And here we are again. Fifteen years today. What does life look like now? Well, it's been a year, I can say that.

I used to have sporadic dreams about Kim, sometimes good and sometimes bad. I had a recurring dream, not often, but several times over the years, where I dreamed that Kim wasn't dead but that we were separated or divorced and I was desperately trying to get back to her. I woke up crying every time; those dreams would seem so real. I attribute those dreams to the Accuser; a demonic attack. I haven't had that dream in a long time. In fact, I had a rare dream with Kim in it just a few days ago. It was fun and happy and I think I woke up crying from that dream too.

Losing a spouse is such a strange thing. I can't tell "my" story without including her. Just a few days ago I met a lady who works with another ministry and she asked how I ended up in Ukraine, etc and I had to share the whole story...with Lena translating. It's just part of who I am, and by extension, who we (me and Lena) are now.

A friend of mine lost his wife suddenly a few months ago. As I've often said, I think losing Kim the way I did- with the knowledge all along that it was inevitable, is better than a sudden loss. I hurt so much for him. We live in the social media age now and he has been pretty transparent and raw and reading his posts certainly stirred up a lot of feelings in me. Not overly sad feelings or anything, but lots of feelings of empathy for him I think. He would write stuff and I'd find myself thinking, no, feeling, exactly what he was/is feeling. I've been there. I know.

And here we are, fifteen years later. A lot has happened in a year. Last year we were on the brink of a pandemic but none of us knew it would last more than a year. Here in Ukraine, we are about to face another nationwide lock-down even as vaccines are pouring into the country. I have no idea what the future holds. Lena and I still want a family. We want a house and land. I'd love to have another Jeep! Lena's mother has good days and bad days. Some days it feels like a normal day; other days it feels like she won't be with us much longer. Life is just....real.

And in the midst of everything; God is still good. I've seen it rain on the good and the bad. I've been tempted (and I've succumbed to that temptation on occasion) to challenge God's goodness, but in the end, I can't deny it so I will press on.

Fourteen

It looks like this has become a once-a-year blog. So much happening in the world right now but I woke up to an almost instant reminder of what day it is and I was flooded with memories.

Seeing that I'm 8 hours ahead of US Central Time here in Ukraine and I didn't wake up until after 9 am, that means I woke up just about the time when Kim died 14 years ago, in the early morning hours of March 12.

For some reason when I woke up this morning I was thinking about where I was during the first anniversary- one year after Kim died. I was on an uncomfortable bus all day long traveling from Antiqua, Guatemala to Guatemala City and then through El Salvador and Honduras to the Caribbean Coast of Nicaragua. We left early in the morning and arrived late that night. I remember sitting on the back of the bus in tears most of the day and then crying more when we finally got settled that night. I remember it being hot and humid on the bus and with the crying I was dehydrated. I remember touching my face and feeling salt on my face. Salt deposits on the skin are a common thing with someone that has Cystic Fibrosis so there was that reminder all day.

That first one- that was the hardest.

Life with Lena hasn't been hard. I wrote last year, and it's still true- that it seems like we've been married much longer than a year and half.

Life is strange. I have to wonder at people who live the life they planned because in my experience all the twists and turns seem to negate all the planning. I'll be 56 years old this year and Lena and I want a family. Obviously, there are some obstacles- some twists and turns. A lot of people would say that's what makes life interesting, fun even. I think you have to look for the fun and interesting though and if it turns out to be something other than what you thought it would be then you better be able to adjust or else you're going to be bitter and disappointed. Truth be told, if we knew about the twists and turns then we might just stay put and let fear and paralysis keep us from doing anything; it might even drive some people to end it all.

So. Faith. Faith is what enables me to keep moving forward; to do the next thing- hopefully the next right thing. Faith is what helps me see that my time with Kim was for my good, shaping me to be who and what I am today. By faith I trust that my time with her was for her good too.

A lot can happen in a year

This day rolls around every year. The 13th time since Kim passed away in 2006.

Today is a little different because this time I'm married, again. I married Lena 7 months ago today.

I have to admit- there are times when I almost call Lena by Kim's name. So strong are my memories still of those years with Kim and her impact on me. Maybe that occasional urge to call her by that name will subside once I've been married to Lena for as long as I was married to Kim.

We're comfortable together, Lena and I. It seems like we've been married for more than 7 months- maybe in part to the fact that I've known her since I first moved here 7+ years ago.

Kim would have liked Lena. I'm sure she'd be happy for me.

Today has not been the day of introspection or mourning that it sometimes is- of course the day isn't over yet.

Today I've been domestic and academic. I've cleaned house and worked on some things in preparation for hosting guests that will arrive tomorrow. I've worked on two different online classes that I'm taking. It's been a fairly normal day.

12th Anniversary

Have you noticed that I only "blog" once or twice a year? It takes me more time to figure out how to log-in to this account than it does to write something.

But here I am. Midnight rolled by last night and I hit my yearly melancholy missing Kim.

I'm in a strange place these days.

I could get married again but everything is different this time.

When I met Kim I had just moved to Gulfport. I had gone through my 20's desperate for a girlfriend and hopeful for a wife someday but the opportunities in a small town were limited and maybe I wasn't that much of a "catch" back then anyway.

Then I met Kim and I knew within a couple months that she was the one. Maybe I knew the first time I saw her.  One of my favorite memories of my late Dad was the first time he met her. I guess we had been dating for about 3 months at that point when my Dad and stepmom visited me on the Coast. My Dad pulled me aside and said something like, "Well Son, I think you've found the one."  He could see it. He was right.

That's part of what's so different between then and now. Then, I knew. Now, I don't.

A lot of people around me tell me that those "feelings" don't matter. They tell me that I should marry, essentially, because I'm not getting any younger and it's not good to be alone. Even if I remind myself that being alone isn't necessarily the same as being lonely, they are not wrong.

When I first started talking about marriage with Kim she gave me the "out"- she told me we should break it off sooner rather than later because her prospects for a long-life were slim. That's when I told her I'd rather live some of my life with her than any of it without her.  I guess my thinking process on marriage is tainted by that line all these years later because what I want in marriage is not just to be with someone I can live with, but to be with someone I can't live without. The former isn't that hard to find, the latter is maybe once in a lifetime. I don't know.

Maybe I've set myself up for something unrealistic. Maybe someone I can't live without, someone that checks all my boxes, doesn't exist- apparently not even in my head since I can't articulate who or what that person is.

It makes sense that I should be married, I can't deny that. I tell people all the time that if I was married I'd like to adopt or foster some of the kids we minister with. There's a little girl at one of the orphanages right now that if I got married this week I'd probably start trying to adopt next week. Sometimes when I say that out loud, I feel inside that I must not really mean it... if I did then I'd do something about it. If I really cared about that kid then I'd get married. No internal pressure, right?

See how easy it is to get melancholy and worse on a day like today.

Praying for Libby

I'm a night owl. I often go to bed after midnight and last night was no exception. I drifted off to a Benedryl enhanced sleep thinking about where I was 11 years ago. Just after midnight on March 11 Kim's breathing was getting noticeably shallower. Those of us gathered in her room and down the hall in the waiting area knew she was getting close to her ultimate healing. Of course I'll always remember those moments.

Eleven years later and here in Ukraine, ironically, I attended a funeral and two graveside services yesterday. A couple of the cemeteries here in town are absolutely massive. Customary in this part of the world is to have large tombstones with etchings- a picture- of the deceased. Strange to me at first but I have to admit walking through the cemetery you get more of a sense that these were real people. It's like walking through a huge crowd of people frozen in granite.

I awoke this morning still thinking about this weekend 11 years ago. Kim's time of death was 2 am, March 12. After completing some paperwork all of who were gathered made our way back to Gulfport in the wee hours of the morning. I collapsed in our bed and woke up a few hours later that Sunday morning feeling like I had to hold it together, so I did I guess.  I wrote Kim's obituary that morning before even getting out of bed. I contacted my friend David, once a fellow youth minister but by then working at local funeral home, to begin making arrangements. 

I skipped church that Sunday. I won't skip today. I'll leave in about an hour and I'll be surrounded by people that have no idea what this day is to me. That sort of hurts but it's not their fault. And with two funerals yesterday there will be more than enough grieving today.

Something else that's been on my mind this weekend. I have a friend back in Mississippi who is alive and well with CF. He's fathered children, he's a tremendous professional in the field of education, and he's an advocate for those living with CF. One of his Facebook posts' this past week caught my attention and I've been following the story myself since then. 

There's a precious young girl named Libby Hankins from Alabama that's fighting for her life right now at Duke University Hospital. She has CF and she had a double-lung transplant last year. Her body is rejecting the lungs right now. There's a Facebook Group called Lungs for Libby and on that site I've watched news videos and slideshows and read many testimonies about her life and how she's impacted so many people not only in her small Alabama town but all over the world. 

http://abc3340.com/news/local/lungs-for-libby-everytime-my-heart-beats-it-breaks-a-little-more

I'm praying for you Libby. I don't even know how exactly to pray. I'm praying the Lord will use these dire circumstances to show the world His power and glory and compassion and mercy by healing your body; I'm praying He will comfort your friends and family and bless them with more of your presence- like, years and years more of your presence. 

An Aluminum/Tin Anniversary?

I woke I woke up this morning and violated a personal ideal: I read Facebook instead of scripture. I was quickly reminded that life goes on and that life is good even when it's not.

I saw that today is my friend Amy's birthday. One of my earliest memories of her was when she was visiting our youth ministry and taking notes and nodding in agreement to something I was saying. It was encouraging. I was privileged to officiate her wedding. She recently posted pictures of her beautiful 2 year old. She still encourages me. Her life encourages me.

I saw on Facebook that today is my youth ministry friend Harvey's 21st wedding anniversary. He was a little later in life getting married like I was. I don't know if he ever felt like it would never happen. I often felt that way. But now he's celebrating 21 years of marriage and being the Dad to a couple beautiful children.

I saw honeymoon pics and the celebration of one week of married bliss from another former "youth", Michelle. She's godly and brilliant  pretty and looks so happy.

Another kid, super talented Emily is getting married today.  

And my friend Chad who fell in love with a kid he and his wife fostered several months ago...got her back today (or recently).

Life goes on, right? And life is a gift and it is good even with the pain that it sometimes brings.

I woke up this morning knowing that 10 years ago on a Sunday morning I woke up and wrote my best friend's obituary.

I'm glad I looked at Facebook for all the reminders about the good on this day and everyday.

Kimberly Katherine Batey White 

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Kimberly Katherine Batey White, 34, of Gulfport, passed away on Sunday, March 12, 2006 in New Orleans. 

Kim, born in Fremont, Ohio, has been a life-long resident of Gulfport. In 1989 she graduated from Gulfport High School, where she was named Student of the Year. In 1995 Kim graduated from the University of South Alabama with a Bachelor of Science degree in Nursing. For the last 10 years, Kim has worked at Memorial Hospital of Gulfport in the Cardiac Observation Unit. She was a member of Bayou View Baptist Church. 

Kim was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis when she was six weeks old but she did not die from CF, rather, she lived with it. In fact, she outlived all of the projections that were made about her life-span. When others would have taken advantage of their disability, Kim refused to be treated differently or to act differently. When she could have performed poorly in school due to frequent hospitalizations, she excelled both in high school and in college. Kim received a gift of life in the form of a double lung transplant 8 years ago. She used those extra years well as a caregiver at Memorial Hospital and as a Proverbs 31 woman. She was her husband's best friend and an encouragement and inspiration to all who knew her. Our lives are better because of Kim. 

Kim was preceded in death by her grandfather, T.W. "Pappy" Milner, Jr.; grandmother, Eleanor Stribling Milner; step-grandmother, Innabeth Melvin Milner; and paternal grandparents, Gerald and Mary Batey. 

Kim is survived by her husband of 9 years, Clinton White of Gulfport; her parents, Gerald "Gary" and Eleanor Batey, Jr. of Gulfport; sister, Mary Elizabeth Batey of Semmes, Alabama; father-in-law, John White and his wife, Mae of Amory, MS; mother-in-law, Jo Ann White of Hatley, MS; uncle and aunt, Ambassador Thomas and Katherine Anderson of Middleburg, Virginia; uncle, Tommy Milner, III of Gulfport; aunt , Patricia Cook and her husband, John, of Woodville, Ohio; sister-in-law, Vicki Raulin and husband, Michael of Douglasville, Georgia; sister-in-law, Janet Tuttle of Hatley; brother-in-law, John White and Pam of Vicksburg, MS; and by numerous nieces, nephews, great-nieces & nephews, and cousins.

Visitation will be on Wednesday, March 15, 2006 from 12 Noon until 2:00 p.m. at Bayou View Baptist Church in Gulfport. The funeral service and celebration of her life will follow at 2:00 p.m. Interment will be in Evergreen Cemetery in Gulfport. 

Memorial contributions may be made to MS Organ and Recovery Agency, 12 River Bend Place, Jackson, MS 39208 (www.msora.org); or to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation (www.cff.org). 

Arrangements by Riemann Memorial Funeral Home in Gulfport. An online guestbook may be viewed and signed via Riemannfuneralhomes.com.

Published in The Sun Herald on Mar. 14, 2006

Last Month's Lowlights

My friend/co-worker, Julie and I,  had a discussion today which led me to think about on how hard it is to be authentic when writing newsletters and reporting to the folks back home.  The struggle is real.

I like to think that I don't embellish or oversell what I'm doing overseas, but there's no doubt that, at the very least, I try to cast things in a positive light.  As a Christian I have every reason to be a "positive" person and from a mental health standpoint, I would think it's healthier to look for the "good" as opposed to dwelling on the bad. But do I unconsciously do it too much?

At the end of every month I send out an Email Newsletter to about 300 people. I've used the same format for almost 4 years- 3 Highlights for the Month followed by a primary story- almost always a highlight in itself.

In the interest of being more authentic and trying to communicate that it's not all rainbows and unicorns, I might make this a new monthly blog titled, "Last Month's Lowlights".

Lowlight #1- I keep a daily mini-diary- just a sentence usually that describes at least the main thing I did every day. Usually I can go a few days without writing because it's easy to remember what I did just a few days ago. Usually. But Sept, 1, 2, and 4 are LOST days to me. I have no idea what I did...which means I didn't do anything significant. Not for the Kingdom, probably not for me or anyone else either. I probably didn't sleep all day since my temporary roommate moved in right before that and I would have looked like a jerk sleeping all day. Nevertheless...I apparently didn't do anything to earn your money three days in one week.

Lowlight #2- I count 6 days in the month where I can honestly say I worked my butt off and I worked ALL DAY...like morning till late at night. That includes 2 days when I endured 20 hour long train rides.  Then there were 4-5 days where I for sure worked a full-day- the kind of days that you work everyday.  The rest were half-days at best. It's not that I didn't do "anything" those days- most likely I accomplished what was on my list to do for that day...but I didn't sit at a desk or push buttons for 8 hours.

Lowlight #3- According to MailChimp Statistics, only about 25% of the 300 people who received my email newsletter bothered to open the mail. Only one person provided feedback. The day after sending my "highlight" newsletter, when the statistics are available, is often the day I most want to stay in bed all day or drink a bottle of wine.

Lowlight Primary Story- This one is the hardest to admit- but I didn't have a meaningful conversation with any unbeliever about Christ or anything spiritual all month. 

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