And here we are again. Fifteen years today. What does life look like now? Well, it's been a year, I can say that.
I used to have sporadic dreams about Kim, sometimes good and sometimes bad. I had a recurring dream, not often, but several times over the years, where I dreamed that Kim wasn't dead but that we were separated or divorced and I was desperately trying to get back to her. I woke up crying every time; those dreams would seem so real. I attribute those dreams to the Accuser; a demonic attack. I haven't had that dream in a long time. In fact, I had a rare dream with Kim in it just a few days ago. It was fun and happy and I think I woke up crying from that dream too.
Losing a spouse is such a strange thing. I can't tell "my" story without including her. Just a few days ago I met a lady who works with another ministry and she asked how I ended up in Ukraine, etc and I had to share the whole story...with Lena translating. It's just part of who I am, and by extension, who we (me and Lena) are now.
A friend of mine lost his wife suddenly a few months ago. As I've often said, I think losing Kim the way I did- with the knowledge all along that it was inevitable, is better than a sudden loss. I hurt so much for him. We live in the social media age now and he has been pretty transparent and raw and reading his posts certainly stirred up a lot of feelings in me. Not overly sad feelings or anything, but lots of feelings of empathy for him I think. He would write stuff and I'd find myself thinking, no, feeling, exactly what he was/is feeling. I've been there. I know.
And here we are, fifteen years later. A lot has happened in a year. Last year we were on the brink of a pandemic but none of us knew it would last more than a year. Here in Ukraine, we are about to face another nationwide lock-down even as vaccines are pouring into the country. I have no idea what the future holds. Lena and I still want a family. We want a house and land. I'd love to have another Jeep! Lena's mother has good days and bad days. Some days it feels like a normal day; other days it feels like she won't be with us much longer. Life is just....real.
And in the midst of everything; God is still good. I've seen it rain on the good and the bad. I've been tempted (and I've succumbed to that temptation on occasion) to challenge God's goodness, but in the end, I can't deny it so I will press on.