An Aluminum/Tin Anniversary?

I woke I woke up this morning and violated a personal ideal: I read Facebook instead of scripture. I was quickly reminded that life goes on and that life is good even when it's not.

I saw that today is my friend Amy's birthday. One of my earliest memories of her was when she was visiting our youth ministry and taking notes and nodding in agreement to something I was saying. It was encouraging. I was privileged to officiate her wedding. She recently posted pictures of her beautiful 2 year old. She still encourages me. Her life encourages me.

I saw on Facebook that today is my youth ministry friend Harvey's 21st wedding anniversary. He was a little later in life getting married like I was. I don't know if he ever felt like it would never happen. I often felt that way. But now he's celebrating 21 years of marriage and being the Dad to a couple beautiful children.

I saw honeymoon pics and the celebration of one week of married bliss from another former "youth", Michelle. She's godly and brilliant  pretty and looks so happy.

Another kid, super talented Emily is getting married today.  

And my friend Chad who fell in love with a kid he and his wife fostered several months ago...got her back today (or recently).

Life goes on, right? And life is a gift and it is good even with the pain that it sometimes brings.

I woke up this morning knowing that 10 years ago on a Sunday morning I woke up and wrote my best friend's obituary.

I'm glad I looked at Facebook for all the reminders about the good on this day and everyday.

Kimberly Katherine Batey White 

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Kimberly Katherine Batey White, 34, of Gulfport, passed away on Sunday, March 12, 2006 in New Orleans. 

Kim, born in Fremont, Ohio, has been a life-long resident of Gulfport. In 1989 she graduated from Gulfport High School, where she was named Student of the Year. In 1995 Kim graduated from the University of South Alabama with a Bachelor of Science degree in Nursing. For the last 10 years, Kim has worked at Memorial Hospital of Gulfport in the Cardiac Observation Unit. She was a member of Bayou View Baptist Church. 

Kim was diagnosed with Cystic Fibrosis when she was six weeks old but she did not die from CF, rather, she lived with it. In fact, she outlived all of the projections that were made about her life-span. When others would have taken advantage of their disability, Kim refused to be treated differently or to act differently. When she could have performed poorly in school due to frequent hospitalizations, she excelled both in high school and in college. Kim received a gift of life in the form of a double lung transplant 8 years ago. She used those extra years well as a caregiver at Memorial Hospital and as a Proverbs 31 woman. She was her husband's best friend and an encouragement and inspiration to all who knew her. Our lives are better because of Kim. 

Kim was preceded in death by her grandfather, T.W. "Pappy" Milner, Jr.; grandmother, Eleanor Stribling Milner; step-grandmother, Innabeth Melvin Milner; and paternal grandparents, Gerald and Mary Batey. 

Kim is survived by her husband of 9 years, Clinton White of Gulfport; her parents, Gerald "Gary" and Eleanor Batey, Jr. of Gulfport; sister, Mary Elizabeth Batey of Semmes, Alabama; father-in-law, John White and his wife, Mae of Amory, MS; mother-in-law, Jo Ann White of Hatley, MS; uncle and aunt, Ambassador Thomas and Katherine Anderson of Middleburg, Virginia; uncle, Tommy Milner, III of Gulfport; aunt , Patricia Cook and her husband, John, of Woodville, Ohio; sister-in-law, Vicki Raulin and husband, Michael of Douglasville, Georgia; sister-in-law, Janet Tuttle of Hatley; brother-in-law, John White and Pam of Vicksburg, MS; and by numerous nieces, nephews, great-nieces & nephews, and cousins.

Visitation will be on Wednesday, March 15, 2006 from 12 Noon until 2:00 p.m. at Bayou View Baptist Church in Gulfport. The funeral service and celebration of her life will follow at 2:00 p.m. Interment will be in Evergreen Cemetery in Gulfport. 

Memorial contributions may be made to MS Organ and Recovery Agency, 12 River Bend Place, Jackson, MS 39208 (www.msora.org); or to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation (www.cff.org). 

Arrangements by Riemann Memorial Funeral Home in Gulfport. An online guestbook may be viewed and signed via Riemannfuneralhomes.com.

Published in The Sun Herald on Mar. 14, 2006

Eight Years

It's no surprise that I was wide awake at 1:30 this morning. I'm a night owl to begin with but of course there's more to it than that.

About 1:30 this morning marked the 8th anniversary of Kim's passing.

Last night I lay in bed thinking about my current surroundings. I'm in Sochi, Russia. The Winter Olympics were held here a few weeks ago. The Winter Paralympics is happening right now. Everyday I ride a CableCar up a mountain where athletes are competing for medals.

I lay in bed last night thinking about a February or March 12 or so years ago when Kim and I took some of our high school seniors and some college kids snow skiing in Glorieta, NM.  Skiing was one of Kim's bucket-list items. She wasn't very good at it; neither was I. But she was so happy to be there and to try it. Truth be told, she probably would have been content just to travel there and back. She loved flying and we enjoyed going places together.

All this snow and winter sports reminds me of that week. I remember being afraid for her and being protective of her and feeling like a good husband because of my concern for her. I also remember the guys- David Redd and Cory Rodgers being equally protective of  her when we were on the slopes. I remember how well she loved Emily and Laura and how equally well they loved her.

Eight years sometimes feels like yesterday. Sometimes it feels like 100 years ago or like it never really happened. I wish I had more pictures of her; of us.

Not to change the subject but last night I read about an Orphanage in Crimea that had been commandeered by the Russian forces occupying Crimea. The kids were taken home by volunteers and orphanage workers.  If a shooting war starts next week in Ukraine there will be more orphans in both Ukraine and Russia. Even without a war, the current and foreseeable economic situation is going to make things worse for those kids.

Kim and I had an opportunity back in 2005 to spend a couple weekends with some Ukrainian Orphans that we're being hosted by friends in Birmingham. If not for her health condition I have no doubt we would have adopted.

Here's one of the few pictures I have with me right now- it's Kim and one of those kids in Birmingham.

This blog is everywhere.  Honestly, I feel numb. Maybe I'm always a little numb this time of the year. Five or six years ago I thought I'd probably marry again someday. Five or six years ago I thought maybe I'd still have kids someday. It could still happen but it seems less likely with each passing year and this day, March 12, marks the passing of years for me as much as my Birthday or New Years.

He gives and He takes away, still I will say Blessed be the name of The Lord!

Has it really been 7 years?

I've been without Kim for 7 years today.  We were married a few months short of 9 years.  In just a couple more years I will have been without her for longer than we were married; a couple years beyond that, if the Lord keeps me here, I will be without her longer than I knew her.

Surreal.

I went to bed last night with these thoughts.  I woke up with them this morning.

I'll spend a couple hours tonight playing Uno and Jenga with college kids but these thoughts will be on my mind.

Inescapable.

What would life be like if that day had never happened?  You can't really play that game can you?

Rick Warren might say that these are the cards I've been dealt.  I have no control over my chemistry, connections, consciousness, or circumstances...but I do have control over my choices.

I've made good ones and I've made bad ones.  I'm probably not through yet with either.

But I keep saying, I keep telling people that I'd do it all over again.  It was the choice I made to marry Kim knowing full well what the outcome would be.  I'd do it all over again.

I keep thinking that someday the story will be complete.  Someday it will make sense.  Someday I'll understand why on the verge of 50 I'm still not a Daddy.  Someday I'll understand the apparent contradiction between desiring to be a daddy and marrying someone that precluded that possibility (and believing that if I had it to do over again I'd make the same choice).

Someday.

Six Years Ago

Six years ago I was planning a Spring Break trip to Sipsey and a Christmas trip to Ukraine.

Six years ago I thought that Wednesday was like any other Wednesday.  I was thinking about our youth group worship service, not our last conversation together.

Six years ago I thought we had at least another year together.

Six years ago I couldn’t comprehend it when the Doctors said it was her last time in the hospital.

Six ago I spent 4 nights second-guessing her decisions, my decisions, and the Doctors’ decisions.

Six years ago I was numb.

Six years ago I knew that Sunday would be her last.

Six years ago I didn’t think it would happen so quickly. 

Six years ago I thought I understood brokenness and loss.

Six years ago I couldn’t cry when it felt like that’s what I was supposed to do.

Six years ago I had the world by the tail. 

Six years ago I thought I was ready.

Six years ago I had almost everything anyone could ever want.

Six years ago people thought I was a hero for how I walked through it.

Six years ago I felt smothered; suffocated.

Six years ago I sang “…you give and take away, blessed be your name.” 

Six years ago I knew I had loved well.  And completely.  But I wished I’d done better.

Six years ago I held her hand and brushed her hair.

Six years later and sometimes I feel like I’ll never be the same.  I don’t think I’m supposed to be the same.  But I’m not sure what I’m supposed to feel.  If feels like what was, was as good as it gets. 

March 12- 5 Years Later

I've been thinking about this week, well, all week.  The other day, I thought about how 5 years ago, on Wednesday, March 8 Kim's parents took her to Ochsner Hospital for what I thought would be just another regular check-up.  Her health had been pretty poor in the weeks leading up to that appointment so we knew they would admit her- give her some fluids and antibiotics- just like always, right?

There were two big differences I guess.

About 3 weeks prior to that appointment we had seen the doctor and for the first time he mentioned that we should consider getting on "the list" again- the list to receive another set of lungs.  (Kim had received a Double Lung Transplant the summer of 1998).  Kim flat refused to go on the list again.  Her main reason was that she felt like she had had her chance and someone else deserved to have theirs as well.  Secondly, at that point she really wasn't healthy enough to undergo the procedure.

I remember being really shocked that day.  I mean, we both knew the day would come.  But when we were told to consider getting another transplant; it hit me.  Still...I was thinking we'd get another year together.

Later that day I asked her if she was afraid to die.  She said no.  Unequivocally.  I asked her if she was afraid of anything and her answer was stunning.  She told me she was afraid she'd die before school was out that Spring and worried what would happen to Anna in that case.  (Anna was a high school Senior that have moved in with us after Hurricane Katrina).  I was stunned at realizing that Kim was worried she wouldn't be around another 3 months.  I wasn't prepared for that.  (For the record, I was not all that surprised that she was concerned for someone other than herself- that fact, plus the fact that I didn't care less what anyone at church or in town thought of me having a high school senior girl living with me prompted me to invite Anna to stay in Gulfport until I left at the end of the year).

The other big difference that day- March 8, 5 years ago.  It was a Wednesday.  Normally our appointments were on Monday or Thursday and I'd take her.  Wednesday was "Church Night".  I let her parents take her to the doctor that day.  So I was in my office preparing for 605 that night when her Dad called me late that afternoon to tell me not only had they "admitted" Kim- which wasn't unexpected...but that the doctor had said it would be her "last" admission.

Looking back on it now, I realize I went into some form of shock right then and there.  A normal person would have dropped everything and took off to New Orleans.  Me.  I calmly wrapped things up.  I made arrangements for that night.  In fact, I waited till 6 pm to let everyone know I was going to New Orleans (but I didn't tell anyone how grave the situation was...I'm not sure I really "got it" myself").

So I arrived at Ochsner around 8 pm with one of Kim's favorite foods- Chicken Strips from Canes and I got to spend about 30 minutes with her while she was still cognizant.  We had short conversations.  We kissed and said we loved one another and then she got increasingly agitated at the I.V.'s which was absolutely not like her.  Being a Nurse made her a model Patient!  They sedated her to keep her from pulling out the I.V.'s and from there on it was a waiting game until about 1:30 am the morning of March 12.

I was also thinking this week about where I've been and what I've done since then.  Here's the journal:

• March 2006- this is what I wrote on my "then" blog- Xanga:   http://cwhitedog.xanga.com/456640078/item/
• March 2007- I spent a long, lonely day on a bus from San Salvador to somewhere in Nicaragua:  http://clintonwhite.theworldrace.org/?filename=welcome-race-fans&bookmark=true#comments
• August 2007 I wrote about missing Kim during her birthday:  http://clintonwhite.theworldrace.org/?filename=feeling-old-and-missing-someone
• March 2008 I finally took off my Wedding Band:  http://ministryhappens.blogspot.com/2008/03/empty-handed.html
• March 2009 I was in Ukraine:  http://ministryhappens.blogspot.com/2009/03/day-that-was.html

Last year I guess I didn't have internet.  I think I wrote something on a computer journal but I don't know where my back-up is.

Today marks 5 years.  As you read this I'll be in a van on my way to Mexico for the week.

Life goes on.  I wish it could go back.

The Day That Was

The day is over with now. Yesterday was March 12- it just passed a few minutes ago for me here in Ukraine.

Three years ago yesterday I lost Kim.

I'm not sure what I expected of the day. I approached it earlier this week with a certain sense of ...confusion... not knowing what I would feel. Not knowing how I should feel.

As it turns out, I went through the day just generally numb. No strong emotions. No emotions at all really. I spent some relatively uninspiring time with the Lord to start my day. I finished homework. I went to the bank. I attended class. I bought groceries and cooked and cleaned-up after myself. I just went through the day doing what I needed and was supposed to do.

And now I feel like I missed something.

There are two scenes that bookend the movie, "Saving Private Ryan", where the "now" Ryan is reminiscing about the events that led up to his rescue. He wonders aloud if the sacrifice was worth it. It's certainly not a direct analogy: Kim didn't give her life for me.

But I do want to live up to what I feel would be her expectations of me. I don't want to screw it up! I want my life to count. Her's sure as heck did.

Empty Handed

Empty handed. During The World Race we used to talk about standing before God, palms up, saying "I got nothing"- an expression of offering all we are and all we have (which isn’t much- thus the “empty” hands”).

I sit here in the Jackson, MS airport terminal looking at my empty left hand. This is the first day since May 31, 1997 that I haven’t worn a wedding band. Yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of Kim’s homegoing.

I remember reading an article about “wedding ring” etiquette several months ago. The advice columnist said one should wear a wedding band after the death of a spouse for as long as one still feels married.

That was definitely the case for me right up until about the time I came home from The World Race. Until then I wasn’t even interested in being interested in anyone. I think I’m slowly turning a corner- I think I could be interested at this point. It’s not like I woke up this morning though and some switch had clicked on or off; like I still felt married yesterday but not today. It’s just a decision I made.

It feels strange and it looks strange though.